Thinking of you today

The weather could not be more beautiful out today.  This morning, fog draped the edges of town, and I wondered if we'd jumped back a few months to May when we were all greeted most mornings by a cool canvas that stayed with us for hours.  The fog did not hang around long today, and sunshine embraced us as it should on a late August day.  I could not forget today as if it was just any other day.  I am not arrested by grief, so my reflection comes with a sense of peace.  Yes, our family suffered two significant losses in the last two years.  Shock and sadness still resonate in the walls of our house.  But I am the first to acknowledge that I also sense dad and Nick residing here with us, and that is how I can embrace happiness. 

It is true when folks say that you think about those you've lost on a daily basis.  Though I do not experience the "signs" nearly as often, I would say that I think about dad every day.  I think about what he went through in his life and compare it to the life I've experienced so far.  I think about him during hard times, when I hope that he's watching over me and clearing the path.  I think of him when I have achieved something that I know he'd be proud of.  I think of him when mom is sad, when Beck has hard days, when any of us are graced with gifts that he would have enjoyed sharing with us.  I think of him as if he exists with endless space and time, and wonder if he's met God yet.  I think of him standing close to Nick and helping him make the transition into heaven away from his loved ones yet ever closer.  I think of him dropping the hundreds of pennies at the feet of my husband or to the right of my gaze at the very moment I need it.  That little penny which dad gave away to remind us to trust in God is our symbol of remembrance of him and Him.  I hope that all had a good day today.  My other wish is that in the days ahead, whether they bring deep sadness or great elation, we can all find meaning in the little things, look softly inside and treat ourselves kindly, and remember those we've loved every day. 

Another plan

How do I begin....it has been six months since my last post, and it is with trepidation that I share the events of these past months.  In my last post, I could not help but reflect upon dad in light of MLK who lived a tireless life of service and advocacy, as all of my memories of dad are in light of his life in labor of others, including his family.  I wrote of him with an air of hope and peace with no thought that more tragedy could ever befall our family again since losing dad was so profound.  But, naively, the world had another plan.  Last Tuesday, May 31st, my brother-in-law, Nick Venuto, age 40, was tragically killed on his way home from work.  He was traveling by bicycle on the same route that thousands of bicyclists travel every day on State Route 56 in San Diego, a path that he rode several times a week to and from his new employment to stay in top cycling shape.  Tony and I received the phone call from his parents at around 8:30, that evening, and we just couldn't believe the news.  Shock and denial overcame us.  We could do nothing but call others with the unbearable news, and make plans to fly to San Diego.  Tony took off the next morning to be with his family, and I stayed behind in a sort of paralysis taking care of things in Oakland before I could hop on a plane myself.

Over the next several days, real time seemed misplaced.  The family and dear friends to the family prepared for the vigil and funeral service while surrounded by an outpouring of love from friends and strangers.  Many, many tears were shed, and many wonderful memories were shared.  CBS 8 aired an amazing three-minute tribute to Nick, having interviewed his parents to learn about his cycling career and life as a devoted husband and father.  The newscaster reported from the location of the accident as well as from Nick's living room.  The day before the clip, the family and a few close friends caravaned to the site to memorialize where Nick took his last breath.  We decorated the chain-link fence that was immediately repaired after the accident, and we placed flowers all around the area where he was killed.  Bikers stopped to offer condolences and meditate on the anomaly of this event.  Back at the house, life continued to move along.  But as Tony said in his poem about Nick, we all felt it: "we can't help but expect you to appear whenever the door opens, for you to flash that smile and giving spirit, (to) join in the conversations and games the children are playing, and get pulled in all directions because everyone wants to talk to you."      

 
The shock of it is still palatable.  We are back home in Oakland but our hearts are in San Diego with the family.  At the services, I was deeply moved by those who had been impacted by Nick in life and in his death.  The accident shook people to their core.  Even the priest who performed the mass and the vigil requested to be the presiding pastor for the services because he was so moved and saddened by the accident, and he did a beautiful job.

My birthday gift

Dad's birthday gift

      I have been asking Nick where he is, in the quiet of my mind.  I am hoping that he is in a safe place surrounded by loved ones who have already passed and found one another.  He may still be close by, as all of us have experienced unusual events since his death.  A garbage can fell over by itself when there was no wind or cat to be found.  His bicycle light started flashing on it's own.  A painting was mysteriously knocked off of our wall and was found unbroken on the ground.  We hope that Nick is resting peacefully somewhere not too far because we can't bear to think of him as gone.  I have to keep thinking that those whom we can't see send us messages like these and the one dad sent me on my birthday.  I want to believe that we find pennies because dad is still watching over us.  I hope the same goes for Nick, that he remain close to his family and show them with little gestures of love that seem like events of coincidence.  My wish for him, in my heart of hearts, is that he make haste to where he needs to be since God has called him home.